Sunday, December 17, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 8 ...

      One thing you've got to hand it to about ol' SC - he makes sure NOBODY gets forgotten come Christmastime and that EVERYBODY gets a present! What's that, Kong, old buddy? A Fay Wray doll? Yeah, you deserve it, ya big galoot!

    Today is Reader Submission Day, where we highlight items and pictures you've sent us over the past month, and this year's crop is a pretty excellent one, so let's dig in, shall we?

     First up (from Gi Marie) is nine pages of Epic Christmas Fails - I debated holding on to these and parceling them out over the years, but more and more keeps falling into my lap all the time and that seemed stingy - plus these bears were giving me the eye! Wallow on in and behold the Holiday Horror!

       Next, Christine sent in this truly fine article (from Peter Muise's New England Folklore blog site) entitled "Why The Devil Loves Christmas". It's a fascinating historical piece that bears reading - and it features these party animals to your left. Check it out!



      I found this next piece and put it aside for a future article, then friends mailed it to me as well, so here you go. The one piece of holiday tradition I've never covered (yet) is the whole Elf On The Shelf phenomenon that a number of parents put their tykes through each year, to make sure they're 'good for Santa'. I've seen simple elf arrangements and elaborate nightly rituals to see what Mr. Elf has gotten up to when everyone's asleep. I've also seen the blowback from angry people who've had it up to HERE with this pesky interloper and aren't going to take it anymore! Well, in this technological age, if you don't have the time for the nightly Elf scenarios, may we recommend this handy time-saver ... the Elf Dummy Child Surveillance Camera! Now you and your family can go all '1984' and have Mr. Elf report your child's bad behavior back to Big Brother (you know who we mean) instantly! Not only that, it also comes with 'Official Elf Reports', printouts to give to your kid that he or she has been naughty or nice ... the perfect Police State Christmas before they're shipped off for bad behavior! All set to traumatize the tykes? Then here you go!

    The jaw-dropping STAR of today's stories comes from my son Justin ... so this is on him! Christmas is also a time for love ... and weddings. For romance ... and weddings. For obsession ... and weddings. What's wrong with all that, you ask? May we present Ms. Amanda Liberty, a Leeds woman celebrating her engagement to Lumiere ... a 90-YEAR-OLD CHANDELIER! If we were giving out awards for the strangest story we've covered this year, this would be our winner! Gird your loins for this one - read on!


     Hey, you say, that last story really wasn't PC! Rather than apologize, just to make sure no one is offended for any reason, please read and follow these guidelines for a PC Christmas!


     Coming Tomorrow: We hit the one-week mark with the annual return visit of three of our best (if tiny) friends, plus ANOTHER earwig that we featured years ago on this page ... and more surprises! Join us!

Saturday, December 16, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 9 ...

     Thanks to everyone who sent me this - it's too good NOT to use for the K.A.C.! Speaking of hearts and things burning to ashes ...

     Our first story out of the gate is one of a rather 'unique' keepsake ornament you can now get for your tree. Anyone can put cremated Aunt Irma in a box that just sits around doing nothing ... get with it, folks! Add her to your yearly tree decorations! To read all about it (and maybe get ahead on haunting YOUR family's tree for decades to come), click on the link below:

          The good folks at Middle of Beyond (who have been featured in these pages more than once) return this year with a particularly stellar Tree Topper to do your tree up right, especially if you are a conspiracy theorist or 'contactee' - curious? Let's put it another way - what if the Christmas Star was MORE than just a star? What if it was a SHIP? And what if it brought forth ... THIS? 

     Have to have one for your tree? Here you go!




      Coming Tomorrow: Reader Submission Day, where we turn the weirdness over to YOU!

Friday, December 15, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 10 ...

     With only ten days to go, we turn our peepers to those wooly warmers that keep both the chill and good taste away - this year's batch of ugly Holiday Sweaters! Once again, Britain takes the lead with the world's worst jumpers (what they call sweaters in the UK). 

     A number of years ago, this wasn't even a thing - now, Ugly Christmas Sweaters are a global phenomenon, with offices and schools having yearly competitions over who can come up with the worst designs. I only gave in once to the madness to purchase my Krampus sweater (still the warmest piece of clothing I own and one I wear all winter, not just at Christmastime), so I can justify its existence. Consider these bad boys, though - brought out maybe ONCE a year for display and then put away again, never to be seen until the following year. If your tastes change, then what? Foist them off to Goodwill? Actually, the one here on the BU campus WOULD be a great place to drop them off, as the students would probably fight to the death for some of these designs. Truth to tell, I would love the Godzilla sweater at the beginning of this entry ... but they don't have it in my size. :(  It's always the way. So without further ado, let's start with the Sun's roundup of this year's stellar entries:

      Not to be outdone, the Tech Geeks have rallied with their OWN 'cryptocurrency' sweaters ... but you still have to PAY for them in old-fashioned cash! The link below tells you all you need to know (as well as shows you even more designs):    

           But the winner this year HAS to go to the primary school who sent out in their newsletter a notice to parents to have their youngsters come in with their Most Special Jumpers for Christmas Charity Day. The only problem? They didn't look QUITE closely enough at the sweater they used to illustrate the day itself ... and then the reindeer poop hit the fan! Rather than spoil the surprise, I'm going to let you click the link below and just imagine how well this all went down: 

    Last but not least, we just had our own Ugly Holiday Sweater contest here at BU where I work and here's a link to the fine selections. Sadly I didn't hear about this in time, since I would have gladly represented in all my Krampus finery for the occasion - but take a look at who was there!

     Coming Tomorrow: Ashes to Ashes, Ornaments to Ornaments ... and that's not the STRANGEST tale we've got - see you then!

Thursday, December 14, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 11 ...

     The tiny tots at left are here to let you know breaking news: we have a SECOND scrumptious (?) batch of Christmas Food Fails for you to peruse, with everything from Candy Cane Pizza (YUCK!) to Brussels Sprouts gin and tonic to ... say, just what the Hell IS that thing below, anyway? You'll find the answers here:

     But don't let those Food Fails stop you - there's always someone, somewhere who sees these horrors and says, "Hold my beer", and tries to top them all - in this case, it would be more appropriate to say, "Hold my pint". Pub owner John McGinn of The Fens has the locals up in arms over his newest Christmas pudding confection - not because of the look or the taste - no, because of the name! How bad can it be, you ask? Would you believe ... Santa's Dick? Read on!

     Moving away from all things consumable, we return to all things wearable. Yesterday we covered this year's new trend of Christmas Eyebrows ... well, it HAD to happen - why stop there, when you've got all that OTHER real estate all over your face that needs attention? Ladies and gentlemen, presenting ... Christmas LIPS! For more examples of how to make sure you're ready under the mistletoe for some memorable holiday osculation, go here!


     You know who could really use those Christmas Eyebrows and Lips? This poor university student Kelsey Hall who lost a bet and now has to dress up as a Christmas Tree for the rest of the semester! The moral of this story is be careful what you wish for! Read all about her plight below:


     Coming Tomorrow: Only 10 more days to go! The days are flying by and it's getting colder out - what better time to look at this year's collection of Horrible Christmas Jumpers (Sweaters to you), including one that went viral in a school's newsletter and caused a horrible ruckus ... bundle up and come back tomorrow!


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 12 ...

     Welcome back! If yesterday's ladder trees truly offended your delicate holiday sensibilities and you were like, "No way - I'm putting up a REAL tree!", may we suggest THIS charmer - it covers both the holiday AND the Death Of the Old Year!

     Speaking of all things dead causing a ruckus this holiday season, let's get in the old puddle jumper and see what havoc is going down in the UK. It never fails ... if I wait long enough, the Sun or one of the other tabloids comes out with story after story of fly-by-night holiday 'grottos' (think 'Santa's Enchanted Village' over here) that are done on the cheap to bring in the rubes and rack up the holiday pelf - stick up a few cardboard cutouts in an empty field, add some scruffy, mange-eaten reindeer, perhaps a slovenly Santa and you're good to go! And then it all goes wrong.

     Such as? Consider if you will (he said in his best Rod Serling voice) the case of the Racked-Up Rudolph. The Mall in Maidenstone, Kent, had this plastic reindeer head mounted on the wall as children waited in line to visit Santa, causing one six-year-old boy to go into hysterics thinking Santa had killed Rudolph! The Mall quickly removed Rudolph, the Dead-Nosed Reindeer, but the best part is the other parent's reaction to all this, including this classic comeback line:
“No wonder kids are growing up in a namby-pamby society if one complaint gets a plastic reindeer head taken down.” To read how this whole Holiday Horror Show went down, click here: 

     Too traumatic for your tyke? Not a problem, take him outside to see a Christmas parade instead! What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Ummm, well, when the headline reads 'Hamley's Christmas Toy Parade a 'shocking shambles' as kids get crushed and parents fight for a better view of Peppa Pig', you KNOW you're in trouble - read on!

     OK, one last chance, you say. The Mall was a disaster, the parade was worse ... let's scrap this whole mess and head out to Sheffield - they've got a new holiday attraction called Santa's Reindeer Puppet Parade - it's puppets, right? They're not scary! EVERYBODY LOVES PUPPETS! Uh, oh ... read it and weep!

     Breaking News! Minutes after I posted today's page, comes news of yet ANOTHER Winter Wonderland disaster - read all about 'Santa's Mudbath' here!  


Coming Tomorrow: Even MORE Christmas Food Fails and some late-breaking surprises! Hurry back and see!

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 13 ...

     Welcome back! How did you do on our Kwiz from yesterday? Let's find out - the answers were:

# 1 - Bettie Page 

# 2 - Glenn Ford

# 3 - Idris Elba (also seen in the cartoon at left)

#'s 4, 5 and 6 - Bill Murray, Miley Cyrus and George Clooney

# 7 - Mary Tyler Moore

# 8 - Jane Fonda

# 9 - Jayne Mansfield

     # 10 - Ryan Gosling

     # 11 - Elizabeth Taylor

     # 12 - Robert Vaughn


     Tired of the tinsel? Pissed off about the pine needles? Had it with the holly? Don't want to deal with the crowds, the driving, the bickering over which tree is the Exact Right One, year after year? Have we got a solution for you! Chuck it all and get with the new, hot trend sweeping the nation - introducing Ladder Trees! No, I'm not making this up! Get with the hip, hot, new way to get your inner Kringle on for the holidays - no muss, no fuss, easy to set up and break down ... and it's good for the environment! Just take a stepladder, open it up, put boards of varying lengths across the midsection and you're ready to decorate! I'm rather partial to this entry, if only because their 'star' in top is a movie projector (which is rather brilliant, if you stop and think of it, as it would throw a bright light across your room ... and you could show Christmas movies!) - or as one article put it, it's a 'minimalist hipster's tree'.  :)

     Just to make sure you get the WHOLE gamut of choices available out there for ladder tree possibilities, I'm including links to TWO separate articles with plenty of picture ideas - what's that, you say? You only have a single ladder, not one that folds out? Fear not, we can even show you how to turn THAT into a tree - read on!

       If the whole minimalist tree jag is getting you down and you feel you're STILL not connecting to the whole Christmas season one on one, or that you need to make a more 'personal statement' on where you stand for the holidays, then step right up! Why stop with hipster trees when you can be at the forefront of this years' OTHER new trend? CHRISTMAS TREE EYEBROWS! (I'm tellin' ya, folks, as we get closer to the Big Day and I scour the Internet, some days these articles just write themselves!) - go the extra mile with these Santa Superciliums! Need inspiration for how to gussy up YOUR face? That's what we're here for - click below to 'brow'-ze:


     Coming Tomorrow: Put on your galoshes and your best slicker - we're heading across the Pond to once again visit Santa's Grotty Grottos in the UK. It's an annual phenomenon that never fails to amaze me and it goes Horribly Wrong Every Single Year! Come join us and look on in horror as these Holiday Hellions put the 'Blight' in 'Old Blighty'!


Monday, December 11, 2017

K.A.C. 2017 - T - 14 ...

     Two weeks to go, my friends! If you're still not feeling the Holiday Spirit, I've got JUST the motivational poster for you at left!

     For now, put aside your worries and put ON your thinking caps as we present the 2017 edition of Kringle's Khristmas Kuties at the K.A.C.! If you're new to the quiz, it goes like this: below you will see pictures of various celebrities in seasonal poses - all you have to do is match the names to the people! Grab some eggnog and your best pair of glasses and see how many you recognize ... they're harder than you think! Answers tomorrow!

# 1

# 2

# 3

# 4, 5 and 6

# 7

# 8
# 9
# 10

# 11

# 12