Thursday, December 24, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 1 ...

… and so, boys and girls, we come to the end of the Kitschmas Advent Calendar for another year. I hope I’ve managed to entertain you this past month and a half.

What have we learned? That Christmas (at least in our odd universe) is filled with Magic Mushrooms and rides on Pink Pigs, in a world where Robots sing Carols and Father Christmases are the Rarest Export of them all!

From horrible Christmas Sweaters and even worse movies, to clay-animated witches pinch-hitting for Santa when times are tough, and Christmas cookies screaming out their death throes as Santa devours them, we’ve covered a LOT of ground!

For our final entry this year, we take you back to 1948, when the jolliest part of Christmas was watching a loving couple beat the Living Hell out of each other with a BIG Stick! Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for Santa Claus Punch and Judy!


But wait! What’s this? As with all the very best Christmases, there’s always One Last Gift tucked away under the tree – if you were with us last year, you remember it was the link to HUNDREDS of bizarre record covers. This year’s final treat is a real rarity, and one you may have to see a doctor for when it’s done to re-align your jaw: from 1964, an unsold TV pilot called ALEXANDER THE GREAT starring our very own Conjure Cinema Mascot, William Shatner ... AND Adam West!!!


That’s it, kiddies! My regular movie blog will return in early January, and I hope you’ll return, as well. My thanks to you all for coming along on this Holiday Odyssey … even though I’ve kidded the Season in every way possible, please accept my sincere wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 2 ...

T - 2:

As a public service, our next-to-last entry is for all you Last-Minute Lazybones, or those of you who have the WORST person on the planet to buy for every year at Christmas ... may we suggest the following?

First, for the fanboy who has EVERYTHING, the MILLENIUM FALCON

Next, for those times your brave Jedi LEAVES the bed and goes camping, a TAUNTAUN SLEEPING BAG:

For the "real man" in you life (or male friend who likes to brag), the CONDOM PILLOW:

Finally, EVERY kid LOVES dinosaurs, so you could be the BEST relative when you show up at the house with a 37-POUND STUFFED TRICERATOPS! Scroll down to read about KOTA, and watch the video clip ... Mom and Dad will have great things to say about you, as well, when you leave this beast at their house!

So get cracking there, sluggards! Time's a-wastin'!


We've saved the best for last, my friends! If you've managed to hang in there so far, be sure to tune in tomorrow as we wrap up the 2009 K.A.C. with out Very Last Entry ... and a MAGNIFICENT Final Christmas Present that has to be SEEN to be BELIEVED!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 3 ...

T - 3:

Ah, December! Time for snow ... and public nudity. Presents for loved ones ... and public nudity. Good food, good cheer ... and Public Nudity! What am I going on about today? Just this little ditty lovingly entitled "Pagan Orgies to Human Sacrifice: The Bizarre Origins of Christmas" ... Enjoy!

Two more to go ...

Monday, December 21, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 6, 5 and 4 ...

Good morning, my Terrorized Tree Trimmers! We're in the final home stretch 'till Christmas, and I don't know about you, but here in New England, we just got 12 inches of the white stuff ... not, not THAT white stuff ... I mean SNOW! So my son gets his White Christmas, after all ... and YOU get this!

T - 6:

From io9 comes the Best And Worst Geek Holiday Decor: From Santa Cthulhu To Fetus Baubles {for those hard-to-buy-for people on your list!}

T - 5:

ABBA's Fondue Holiday Party, from 1974 ... that's all I'm sayin' ...

T - 4:

We'll wrap up today in a Big Christmas Bow, just like the one Baby Tabitha is wearing above, with this link to Christmas on TV, with all of your old-time TV favorites ... you might want an insulin shot before checking out all the sickly sweetness that follows!

Only THREE more to go! See you tomorrow!

Friday, December 18, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 7 ...

This Is It! One week to go, my Palpitating Persent Purchasers! Have you braved the crowds yet? Been beaten down into submission by sarcastic clerks? Stand up for yourself and say "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take it ANYMORE!!!" >:O
Oh, wait, wrong movie ... you know what, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Check out this site for some HILARIOUS Christmas Snark! My hat's off to the creator of this site, who takes old vintage ads, etc., and goes all MST3K on them - the examples to the left are just a few nuggets in this goldmine!


Annnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd .... it's an anniversary date for three Very Special People at the K.A.C. - it was on this date, December 18th, 1956, that WGN-TV in Chicago introduced kiddies to The Three Dwarfs: Hardrock, Coco and Joe! It's become a holiday staple now around the country and here at the K.A.C., as well - I should warn you, however, that the song that accompanies the video is a total earworm --- once it's in your head, it's IMPOSSIBLE to get out! Oh, and a further warning: don't get too close to Santa here ... he bites!

Damnit --- I just listened to it again! Grrr ... now it's stuck in my head! Sigh ...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 9 and 8 ...

T - 9:

Hi, there, my Worried Wreath Wranglers! As you can see, we're down to the SINGLE DIGITS!!! Feeling stressed out enough??? NO ??? Then let's add to your Holiday Horribleness with a Photo Quiz! Ready? Can you name all SIX of Santa's Sweeties to my left? The answers are at the very end of today's post!

T - 8:

THREE WORDS... CHRISTMAS-LUXURY-BACON ... I'm not EVEN putting up these photos - just click on the link and see for yourself!

OK, did you guess them all? The correct answers are:

1). Bette Davis
2). Joan Crawford {yes, REALLY!}
3). Jayne Mansfield
4). Julia (later Julie) Adams {of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON fame}
5). Angelina Jolie 
6). Veronica Lake 


That's as pretty as we get here at the K.A.C.! Return tomorrow for our regular grittiness as we enter our Final Week - thanks for checking in!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 10 ...

Seeing that it's the LAST of the double-digit countdown days, and seeing that it's time to gird my loins for that yearly bastion of forced hilarity, the Office Holiday Party, I'm taking a break to turn today's K.A.C. over to YOU, my Energetic Elves, and your Succulent Submissions!

First, from Peiwen comes ... Sketchy Santas! That chill you feel looking through these has NOTHING to do with snow or a Wintry Wonderland!

Next, for those of you TRULY sick of it all already, Laurie sent a Christmas poem with YOU in mind!

We close out today with Santa's Cookies, a hilariously sick item from, and sent to me by Beth --- thanks to you all for your forwards!

OK, time for me to face the music and put on a Happy Face ... maybe I can borrow one from the Sketchy Santas! See you tomorrow!

OOPS!!! Just realized, I won't be IN tomorrow, so I'll be back Thursday with TWO entries ... consider it a brief respite to regain your sanity! :)

Monday, December 14, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 13, 12 and 11 ...

Good Morning and Happy Monday! Just like the traditional Holiday Fruitcake, you never know what you're going to find in here, so let's go see, shall we?

T - 13:

Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish followers of the K.A.C. - just to show you're not forgotten this time of year, imagine your home decked out with a STAR TREK Menorah! A must-have, you say? Here you go:

T - 12:

Does someone you know "overindulge" this time of year? Are all those unsightly beverage cans an eyesore? Do you have no money left for a tree? Well, I think we have the answer for your particular problem, as well:

T - 11:

Finally today, we wish you a Harry Christmas! Make sure you take a close look at ALL the food choices ... they're (yes, I went there) magical! 

Enjoy, stay warm, and I'll be back tomorrow!

Friday, December 11, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 14 ...

Two weeks to go, my Frozen Friday Frolickers! Remember earlier this week, when I said how I wondered if I could top the Magic Mushroom entry? Well ... wait for it ... HERE IT IS !!!

I absolutely LOVE this film! It's called RARE EXPORTS, INC., was made in Finland, is COMPLETELY NSFW --- no, REALLY --- and is the FUNNIEST thing you will see this whole holiday season! I won't tell you the plot, as that would spoil it ... I'll let the trailer do all the talking!

I will continue to post right up to the end, but this film wins my Personal Favorite Award of 2009 of ALL the K.A.C. posts - let me know what YOU think of it!

Have a great weekend, get YOUR last-minute orders in to Rare Exports, Inc. for your holiday needs, and I'll be back on Monday with three more entries!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 15 ...

When you were a kid, did you ever stay up late on Christmas Eve and try to see Santa? Do you know WHY your parents always told you to go to sleep, or Santa wouldn't show up? What, you REALLY thought it was because Santa was YOUR PARENTS in disguise? NO, DUMMY! The REAL reason is because Santa was a W I T C H! That's RIGHT! And if you SAW Santa-Witch, your eyes would POP right out ... OR you'd fall into a DEAD FAINT right on the ground! =:O Don't believe me??? I've got the proof right here, courtesy of Art Clokey and our old pal Pokey!

Come back tomorrow, my pretties, as we start the home stretch - the final two weeks! They promise to be magical!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 16 ...

Soooo, have you all come down from your Merry Muscaria high of yesterday? The only odder thing than that would be ... oh, I don't know ... a Christmas card featuring chihuahuas with rifles, maybe, but that's crazy talk ... that's just impossi ... umm, wait ... well, whaddya know????

Oh, yeah, he's real, and dated 1895, to boot! A VINTAGE Christmas Chihuahua With Rifle! :) Weird enough for you? NO? Then try this on for size, you curmudgeon!

Say, don't go away mad! Tell you what, how about we share a traditional Japanese Christmas together, with ancient Japanese foods this time of year ... which would be a Party Barrel of KFC! No, (sadly), I am NOT making this up ... the marketing geniuses at Kentucky Fried Chicken convinced the populace (in 1970) that this was a traditional American Christmas dinner ... and the rest, as they say, is history! This weird "Merii Kurisumasu" custom can be found HERE!

That should keep you puzzling until tomorrow, friends! See you then!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 17 ...

OK, kiddies, strap yourselves in extra-tight to your Surreal Sleighs today, as I've got a little number that is gonna mess with your heads Big-Time! Did you know that literally EVERYTHING you thought you knew about Christmas was WRONG? Did you know that Every Single Thing regarding Christmas has to do with the AMANITA MUSCARIA MUSHROOM???!!!
According to what you're about to read, it's TRUE!!!

It's a looooong read, but stay with it to the end, as the author makes some AMAZING connections that you DON'T want to miss! Profane? Absolutely! Blasphemous? You betcha! Weird Beyond Belief? All That And MORE!!! Just WAIT 'till you get to some of his symbology ... I don't want to spoil it for you, but if you haven't already decorated your Christmas tree, you might want to forgo the tinsel this year ... just sayin'. Without further ado, we present the ULTIMATE Christmas Conspiracy Tale - The Atlantean Conspiracy, also known as Jesus, Santa, Mithra and the Magic Mushroom!

I'm not sure even I can top this Torrid Tiramisu! Come back tomorrow, and I'll give it my best shot!

Monday, December 7, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 20, 19 and 18 ...

T - 20:

Top of the morning, my Sleighbell Seneschals! Take a break from your holiday duties to gaze in shock and awe as we present this year's edition of the Superheroes Christmas! We begin with a MAGNIFICENT find, with Santa teamed up with The Sandman to defeat the villainous Seal Men! What makes this so thrilling, you say? The fact that this unearthed, long-forgotten gem was drawn by none other than comics legend Jack "King" Kirby!!! That and the weird-ass plot that I can't BEGIN to describe, with hammer-toting elves, Nightmare Wizards, flying sleds ... you just have to read it for yourself to believe it - where? Right here!

T - 19:

Staying with the Superhero theme, here's a fine assortment of superhero Christmas comics, from the 1940s to the present; my favorite being Superman's bratty children on Christmas morning:

T - 18:

We'll wrap today with a Superhero of a different sort: a very nice vintage Christmas ad featuring Sean Connery in his heyday as "Bond ... James Bond" - remember, nothing says Christmas quite like ... whiskey?

Finally, is all this talk about Superheroes making you wonder what you can get the superhero in your life for Christmas this year? Fret no more, friends, you can find ALL your superhero needs here (and, yes, this IS a REAL store!): A superheroic thanks to Jennifer for the link ... BTW, friends who have gone there Highly Recommend the Cape Testing Station! :)

Tune in tomorrow as we go all X-FILES on you, and explain (in furtive whispers, natch!) the Conspiracy of Christmas! You will be SHOCKED by what we dug up!

Friday, December 4, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 21 ...

There, there, dry your eyes ... the Bad Clown is all gone! I know, that was mean to inflict Whizzo on those of you who are new to this. How about this? We'll make ALL those memories of Whizzoland go away with a LOVELY animated Christmas piece instead, OK? Good! Enjoy WHEN HUMANS ARE SLEEPING:

Let's not stop there! Since it's the end of the week, here's a few stray Sci-Fi Wreaths of Wonderment for that certain 'Special Someone'. First, for the STAR TREK fan in your life, there's the Federation Stockings ... DON'T PUT UP THE RED ONE!

For those of you who are more of a " nuqDaq ta' SoH pol [the] yuch?" type of person, we have the Klingon Christmas Carol (pictured above):
At the same article is a link on how to make Starfleet Cookies, which will come in handy when you realize the Klingon phrase above translates in English to "Where do you keep the chocolate?" :) Don't ask how I know that ... no, really, don't ask ...

There's plenty to chew on here all weekend long! Get baking on those Starfleet cookies, and I'll see you on Monday with THREE more insane entries! Bye!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 22 ...

Hi, kiddies! Wanna have some fun? ("YAY!") Wanna see Santa Claus? ("YAAAY!") How about playtime with Whizzo the Clown??? ("YAA ... ???") Now all YOU have to do is put on these circus animal costumes and perform at Whizzoland!!! (Insert sound of children sobbing here ...)

With those opening sentences burned into your consciousness, we proudly (?) present this year's entry into the Worst Christmas Film EVER Contest! WORSE than SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, worse than the K. Gordon Murray Mexi-import SANTA CLAUS ... EVEN worse than last year's squeaker SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY comes ... SANTA'S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS!

HOW bad can it be, you ask? Rather than read MY Mangled Merriness, let's turn the honors over to the good folks at "An utterly bizarre concept yields an undoubtedly surreal experience. This film was more of a legend than a reality until the theatrical trailer turned up on Something Weird Video’s great Kiddie Matinee DVD for THE WONDERUL LAND OF OZ plus JACK AND THE BEANSTALK. Kansas City, Missouri Kiddie TV show host Whizzo the Clown (Frank Wizarde) stars in this regional Kiddie Matinee feature, which appears to be filmed entirely in a tiny TV studio set. The "Circus" animals appear to be small girls in dancing costumes. The film looks like nothing more than an expanded episode of the obviously claustrophobic TV show. Can this micro-budget wonder NOT be a classic badfilm? The film itself is among the missing, but from the trailer, it appears that the whole film is shot on a tiny TV set, and the "Circus" may be nothing more than mechanical Holiday window displays shot close-up!" I know, you're SAD that you can't see this classic for yourself ... I feel your pain. But all is not lost, kiddies! Take a look at the eye-searing trailer for what you WOULD have been exposed to!

SEE??? Let's all consider the fact that the full feature is lost to the Sands of Time an early Christmas present, what do you say? I thought you'd see it my way!


OK, campers, put it behind you - suck it up on those candy canes, and report back here tomorrow --- that's an order! :) Or would you rather spend MORE time at Whizzoland? ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! =:O )

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 23 ...

Heigh-Ho, My Holiday Hallucinogens! Perhaps I should say "HIGH-HO" when you see today's entry ... I did promise they'd get weirder with each passing day, as we got closer and closer to the final day of the countdown. Well, look no further than today, as we investigate Santa on 'Shrooms! Yes, sadly true - the entire story is here for you to peruse:

Scroll down to the "Shroom Santa" entry, then click on the "Pappy's Golden Age Comics" link; scroll down to Entry Number 231 and read the entire issue of Santa's "trip" to Wonderland ... it's a psychedelic freakout, Christmas-style, baby! :)


Come back tomorrow as we unveil this year's entry in our ongoing search for the WORST Christmas Film of All Time! Our contender this year tops last year's SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY hands down! You might want a bite of Alice's mushroom yourself, before you brave this one!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

K.A.C. 2009 - T - 24 ...

We begin today with a Public Service Message ... remember, kids, DON'T light the fireplace when Santa comes down the chimney, or you get something Really Bad, like what just went down in Santa Catarina, Brazil (how's that for irony?) - the whole story is here:

On a happier note, continuing with yesterday's Sci-Fi Santa theme, here are a few more images along the same lines that gave me a smile - hope they'll do the same for you: christmas/comicsonthebrain/pulps/pulp-santa-galaxy-dec54.jpg

Last (and very possibly least), a little something extra - although it's not Christmas related, as such, I know how bitterly disappointed you faithful readers would be without SOME daily dose of weirdness, so here you go: trust me on this one and stick with it to the end!

Back tomorrow!