Sunday, November 21, 2010

K.A.C. - T - 34 Days ...


     Welcome back, Nippy Noses! The days are getting colder, the weather is brisk and it gets darker earlier and earlier ... boy, I could sure use a flashlight right about now, how about you? A red one, you say? Sure, even a red light would work. Attached to a REINDEER, you say?
It's his NOSE ??? What, is he radioactive? 

     No, just everybody's favorite Rangifer tarandus (see, you learn things here, too!), Rudolph! There are few, if any, children who don't know the story of Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer, mainly thanks to the one-two punch of the Gene Autry song played ad nauseum this time of year and the famous Rankin-Bass holiday special. My own initiation into the Cult of the Red-Nosed One came from a different path ... from a Little Golden Book (see left) when I was very young.



  




  As a child, I HATED all the other reindeer, who "used to laugh and call him names" - they always struck me as bullies --- even after the wrap-up, where Santa picks Rudolph, etc., and now they're all his 'friends', I thought they were a-holes of the first order. Upon looking again at the book recently, I had to chuckle - with all the teasing going on, it looks like Rudolph is about to CUT a deer! :)




     Which brings us to today's film. Long before the Rankin-Bass special, in 1948 the Fleischer Studios (creators of Betty Boop) made a lush Technicolor cartoon of Big Red, and while it's beautiful to look at and lovely to behold, it still leaves one with many unsettling questions after viewing, not the least of which being, "Why does a reindeer need a bed?" Take a look!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzfJdSmTNdk


By the way, if you want to know more about Rudolph, read the magnificently thorough breakdown of both the character and the cartoon in the description box beneath the video. Nice job, XmasFLIX!                                                                                                                                                                            
Tomorrow: More holiday weirdness abounds, including the question: would you buy a used car from a GIANT Santa Claus? See you then!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

K.A.C. - T - 35 Days ...

What's one of the yearly traditions of the season? The tree, the eggnog, the snow, of course ... and in many homes the reading of Clement Moore's THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.


Now there have been many versions of this tale put to film (and we will revisit it again before this year's edition of the K.A.C. is done), but none QUITE so creepily disturbing as what follows ... THE CHRISTMAS VISITOR. Made in 1959 by the
British animation team of John Halas and Joy Batchelor, it starts off with the original poem, then veers crazily off into "The Steadfast Tin Soldier vs. Snidely Whiplash" territory as the toys go nuts and stage an all-out battle under the tree!
I'm not sure this is what Mr. Moore had in mind when he wrote the poem (especially the 'changed' ending), but it fits right in here!


So gather the kiddies, turn down the lights and enjoy THE CHRISTMAS VISITOR!


www.youtube.com/watch?v=FszbMmVyAwc


Coming tomorrow: the SECOND of our 13 Oddest Christmas Shorts - be there!

Friday, November 19, 2010

K.A.C. - T - 36 Days ...



Welcome back, my Merry Misanthropes! Last year, my favorite entry was from the land of Frozen Fjords, Finland, and their wonderful film called RARE EXPORTS, INC.


Well, the film has become a cult hit worldwide and is a must-see at this time of the year! Not familiar with it? Then let's get you up to speed ... from the Official Site:


“It's the eve of Christmas in northern Finland and an "archeological" dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus. But this particular Santa isn't the one you want coming to town. When all the local children begin mysteriously disappearing, young Pietari and his father Rauno, a reindeer hunter by trade, capture the mythological being and attempt to sell Santa to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. Santa's elves, however, will stop at nothing to free their fearless leader from captivity. What ensues is a wildly humorous nightmare - a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality. RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE is a re-imagining of the most classic of all childhood fantasies, and is a darkly comic gem soon to be required perennial holiday viewing.”


I’m not quite sure about that last sentence – I can’t really see it up against IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE or A CHRISTMAS CAROL every year as holiday viewing … aw, who am I kidding? In MY house, absolutely! Want more proof? Check out the trailer for this Bad Boy!


http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/rareexportsachristmastale/


Check your town to see when it’s coming out – and remember, he KNOWS when you are sleeping … (brrrrr …)


Along those same lines, if you want to make it a FANTASTIC double feature, may I recommend the BLAIR WITCH of Norwegian 'documentaries', TROLL HUNTER! :)


www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy2nAOdBUlw

Coming Tomorrow: The FIRST of our 13 Worst Christmas Short Films of All Time, with a holiday favorite as you've NEVER seen it performed before! Don’t miss it!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Welcome to the Kitschmas Advent Calendar 2010! T-37 Days ... and Counting!!!





Welcome to this year’s edition of the Kitschmas Advent Calendar, where I serve up the strangest, the oddest, the most bizarre items associated with the Holiday Season. This is my third year at it, so a quick recap is in order for the newbies to this insanity.


The K.A.C. started a few years ago as a computer wallpaper contest between myself and my work-study students, as to who could find the absolute oddest holiday-themed wallpaper. There were some doozies, with my favorite being the "Gary Coleman and Mr. T Christmas"!


As most of my original students had graduated and gone on to better things, I would hear back from them about the contest, and we would continue to email new oddities as we found them. So in 2008 I decided to expand it from just wallpaper to daily links to odd stories, photos, traditions, etc. - and opened it up to some of my other friends to share in the goofiness. The starting date coincided with the day that a local radio station started playing Christmas and Holiday Music around the clock 24/7 (which in 2008 began, believe it or not, on Veteran's Day!) ... from Santa's Grotty Grotto to the simultaneous Best AND Worst Holiday Wallpaper of 2008 (of presents opening children for Christmas!), it (hopefully) lessened the stress of the season and gave everyone a good laugh.


In 2009 the K.A.C. went from local to global, jumping on the Internet Superhighway via my Conjure Cinema blog (which you're reading now ... if you want to see last year's entries, check out the blog entries from November 11th - December 24th). If you’re reading this today, you know what that means … yep, the 24-hour, round-the-clock, non-stop Holiday Music has reared it’s Tinsel-ly Head once more, at not ONE, but TWO Boston stations, WROR 105.7FM and WODS 103.3FM. Did I mention I play it round-the-clock in my office, as well?


So without further ado, let’s open the first door on our countdown to Christmas and what to our wondering eyes should appear but … this handsome devil above! Or, to be more precise, Krampus, the Anti-Santa! This charming fellow pays a Very Special Visit to BAD boys and girls this time of year ... makes one WISH for a stocking full of coal when he comes visiting! This is the second year we've started off with Krampus, so those of you not familiar with him can brush up here:


www.prosebeforehos.com/news-to-make-you-blue/12/21/news-to-make-you-blue-christmas-edition/


Not weird enough for you? Not a problem! Check back with me every day from now until December 24th ... I've had a whole year to unearth the strangest sights and sounds of the season, enough to make even jolly old St. Nick blanch! There's too much to go into now, but one of the things I'm most pleased with is the 13 Strangest Christmas Shorts of All Time! Just remember --- there's some things you can't UNSEE!


So if you're brave, bookmark this page, tell your friends, tell your enemies, and join me on this scariest of sleigh rides as we count 'em down in our own demented way --- see you tomorrow!

Monday, May 31, 2010

THE VIKING QUEEN (1967) (shown April, 1993)



Ah, Spring! The Sun returns, the flowers are in bloom and a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of ... bladed chariots of death??? Well, they did for me during the Spring of 1993. If you look at my previous posting, you see we showed DR. STRANGE in February. I was now on a roll and decided our March show would be one of my favorite classic fantasies, 1948's THE LUCK OF THE IRISH, about an American reporter meeting an Irish leprechaun and the Celtic confusion that followed. The Wee Folk had other ideas, however, and (taking a page from the name of our show) did a little conjuring of their own and smashed us silly with the Blizzard of '93, aka "The Storm of the Century" {which you can read more about here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1993_Storm_of_the_Century}

Under the circumstances, I had no choice but to admit defeat and cancel our March show, saving LUCK for the next year. Instead, I turned my sights to April and
our next feature, THE VIKING QUEEN. This was another 16mm print from the estate sale collection (see my June, 1991 entry) I had liquidated, and one I had neither seen nor heard of before. I sat down one evening to grade this (condition, color, etc.) and as it unspooled, a slow and steady grin covered my face. I knew I had found another gem for Conjure Cinema! If PREHISTORIC WOMEN (see my January, 1993 entry) hadn't already claimed the title of Silliest Film of All Time, this would be a very close second! It does deserve some honorific, though ... Goofiest, Cheesiest, hmmm ... got it - Most Historically Muddled! Don't believe me? Well, go see for yourself - take a look at the trailer ... no, it's all right, I'll wait: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtNp2BkObV4

Based V E R Y loosely on the legend of Boudica/Boadicea (see the Wikipedia entry here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boudicea), it starred the lovely and talen ... umm, lovely and enthusias ... hmm ... OK, the LOVELY Finnish model Carita (in her only screen role) as Queen Salina, the Viking Queen of the title - except she's not a Viking! As a matter of fact, there are NO Vikings in the film! As a fellow reviewer posted, why wasn't the film called THE CELTIC QUEEN? Guess it wasn't catchy enough!

Anyway ... Salina is made Queen after her father's passing and now has to find a way to co-exist with the Roman legions who have conquered the land. She has fallen in love with the Roman General-Governor Justinian (Don Murray), and he with her, so one would think this would be the end to both their problems, right? Wrong! There's always a fly in the ointment in films of this type (else you would have NO conflict), and it comes in the form of Justinian's second-in-command Octavian (Andrew Keir, last seen as Prof. Quatermass in our December, 1991 showing of FIVE MILLION YEARS TO EARTH).

Keir is EASILY the best thing about this film. You readily believe that here is a Roman soldier who's sick of being in this backward, foreign country; who wants nothing more than to get home and back to civilization and, barring that, is willing to take what he can get while he's stuck here, be it wine, women or treasure. God help anyone who gets in his way, including his commander. Octavian sees Justinian's love of Salina as a form of weakness, and plots his downfall, as well.

Speaking of Gods, another Big Bit of Weirdness in this film takes place when Salina's father is being buried by the Druid priests, they are all chanting paeans to Zeus ... ZEUS? DRUIDS? REALLY? Oh, yes ... it's in there and it's a head shaker! But that's STILL not the oddest thing about this film ...

The REALLY strange part (seen briefly at the 1:00 mark in the trailer above) is the casting of Nita Lorraine as the "Nubian Girl Slave" - all well and good, except for the fact that she's a WHITE woman in pretty obvious makeup! Really, Hammer??? You couldn't find ONE BLACK ACTRESS in all of England to be in your film ??? It's a small, throwaway part, but still unsettling, nonetheless. See for yourself: http://www.aveleyman.com/ActorCredit.aspx?ActorID=26741

There is also an apocryphal story attached to this film that during a battle scene that one of the soldiers is seen wearing a wristwatch - this may have sprung up as an offshoot of the 1960 Kirk Douglas film SPARTACUS, where not only can slaves and soldiers be seen wearing wristwatches, but Tony Curtis' character Antonius can be seen sporting a rather spiffy Rolex, as well!

Getting back to the plot - the Druids are against Salina and Justinian's romance and start killing off Roman soldiers in the Sacrificial Druid Pit (TM), sending Justinian and his troops out to quell the uprising. While he's gone, Octavian decides it's payback time for the Viking Queen and her followers and drags Salina out in front of everyone for a good old-fashioned whipping! Justinian, upon his return, hears what has happened and goes off to try and stem the growing tide of revolt. He is far too late, as Salina has taken up armor and called forth her people to attack - as she tells him, "This is not the dream we made, my darling." The final battle takes place, Octavian gets his (YAY!) and Salina (rather surprisingly) dies, as well - no happy ending for our star-crossed lovers here!

So it all comes down to one question: can I recommend you watch this? It doesn't fall into the same 'guilty pleasure' category that PREHISTORIC WOMEN or some other of our previously-reviewed titles do, and while Carita is beautiful eye candy, her emoting makes you feel like YOU are the one being whipped ... I'd say yes, but only if you're in the right mood for it. If Andrew Keir weren't in it as the film's saving grace, then probably not. If you are looking for a do-it-yourself home version of MST3K, though, this is indeed your film (as my audience proved by rising to the occasion). It is available on DVD as a double feature with THE VENGEANCE OF SHE (a future blog entry).

Next Time: Conjure Cinema breaks out the silly glasses and presents it's FIRST 3-D feature, the 1961 Aztec-sacrifice/Canadian screamfest THE MASK! "Put The Mask On NOW" !!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

DR. STRANGE (1978, TVM) (shown February, 1993)





The Marvel Universe, as we know it today, is a fabulous thing. As I write this, IRON MAN 2 has just opened to (as Hollywood would say) boffo box office, and is another link in the puzzle to what many believe will be the ultimate superhero film: THE AVENGERS. Marvel Films are hot properties now, attracting A-list actors and directors. But it wasn't always that way ...

Let's set the Wayback Machine to 1978. A decade had gone by since the combined animated adventures of Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four, and CBS had already tried out (with mixed success) a live show called "The Amazing Spider-Man" (with Nicholas Hammond), as well as their smash-hit "The Incredible Hulk" (with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno). The network was willing to spend the money on other stars in the Marvel firmament, and pinned their hopes that the Next Big Thing would be the comic company's Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Stephen Strange.

They could not have been more wrong. Why? For what I call the Curse of Comics - let me explain. Most of the movers and shakers in Hollywood look down on comics, think of them as kid fare (and, to be fair, there has been a lot of that), ignoring the fact that comics as a whole have matured over the years, with intricate plots meant for a more grown-up audience ... an audience that wants to SEE these mature plots on the screen. Instead, we get screenwriters, producers and directors who think they know the characters ("oh, it's just another superhero who wears his underwear on the outside", etc). With their very basic "knowledge" of the character, rather than adapting a PERFECTLY GOOD STORY directly from the comics, they decide to "improve" on the character and story, totally destroying what made it good in the first place.

Case in point: in the comics, Dr. Stephen Strange is one of Marvel's most tragic and haunted characters. A brilliant, gifted neurosurgeon; a man brimming with hubris and ready for a fall. That comes with a car accident that leaves him alive, but permanently damages his hands, leaving him unable to operate. He travels the world seeking any and all cures, finally winding up in the Himalayas, where (through trials that would take too long to tell here) he is instead instructed in the Mystic Arts by an Ascended Master known as The Ancient One. Strange over many years becomes a Master himself and one of Earth's greatest guardians against all astral and supernatural threats.

Compare that description to this: Dr. Stephen Strange (Peter Hooten) is a resident psychiatrist at a New York hospital who never seems to make the staff meetings on time. A young woman is admitted to his care as a Jane Doe, a woman he has seen in a strange (no pun intended) dream. In it, Stephen watched her push an old man over a rail, while another woman watched with intense glee. The patient is in shock and can't remember her name; she only insists that if she falls asleep she will die.

The back story to all this is that the gleeful creature is none other than Morgan Le Fay (Jessica Walter), exiled to Hell for her failure to defeat Merlin 500 years ago. The film opens with Satan (a well-done speaking stop-motion animated model) giving her another chance to roam the Earth and get the Infernal One his denied victory. Merlin (John Mills) is old and weary and now goes by the name of Lindmer. He has "worked his spells and calculations" and knows Morgan is about to return to strike at him. Satan warns her that she has "three days to bring me my victory ... and only three!" If she can't defeat Merlin/Lindmer, then she must strike at his successor ... guess who?

Morgan challenges Lindmer on a bridge and tricks him by temporarily possessing college student Clea Lake (Eddie Benton). [An interesting aside: the actress playing Clea later changed her stage name to Anne-Marie Martin and was married to famous (and recently deceased) author Michael Crichton]. Clea pushes Lindmer over the bridge rail, goes home, keeps seeing her deed over and over (as well as Morgan everywhere she looks) and runs off screaming into the night, where she becomes a ward of Dr. Strange. All clear? Good - moving on.

Lindmer has performed Healing Touch on himself and is only slightly worse for wear over the bridge episode, and sends his pupil and protege' Wong (prodigious character actor Clyde Kusatsu) to find both Clea and Strange. Upon hearing Wong's report, Lindmer pays Strange a visit at the hospital, explaining that he (Strange) and Clea have a psychic bond, and that Clea's brush with evil is something that traditional medicine alone will not be able to cure. He leaves his card with Strange, asking him to stop by, but warning the doctor that there is danger in it for him, as well.

Meanwhile, Dr. Taylor, the Chief of Psychiatry at the hospital, has overridden Strange's orders to let Clea stay awake and has given her a tranquilizer, which immediately sends her into a coma. Strange realizes now his only hope of saving Clea lies with Lindmer. Upon arriving at Lindmer's home, Strange is told of his inherent power, a rare gift that few have. Lindmer knows that Strange is the next in line for the position of Sorcerer Supreme, but he has to come by it willingly. Strange is a rationalist, however, and rejects anything magickal or supernatural. He is only there to help save Clea.

Fair enough - Lindmer explains that to save her he must send Strange on an astral journey to reclaim Clea's soul. Here we get the highlight of the film - Strange's journey and astral projection flight is a mixture of the opening of THE TIME TUNNEL and the old ABC Movie of the Week, with him and Clea tumbling and flying through otherworldly realms. Morgan, however, is not going to be that easily defeated, and sends lesser demon Balzeroth to stop Strange. Lindmer had provided for this by giving Strange a spell to say, stopping the demon in his tracks and defeating Morgan. Clea is returned safely to her body, Strange to his, and Satan is pissed. He shows Morgan the horrible fate he has in store for her if she fails him again ... burning in oil? On the rack for all eternity? No, even worse ... the loss of her good looks! Yes, wrinkled crone-dom in Hell is the worst punishment of them all, judging by her horror.

Clea, cured and no longer a patient of Strange, agrees to go on a date with him. He stops by Lindmer's house to politely decline the job offer of Sorcerer Supreme and wishes Lindmer and Wong well. On the way out, it begins to rain. As he exits, he notices a black cat crying by the door. Good-hearted soul (and naive magickal simp) that he is, he carries it across the threshold and goes on his way, completely negating Lindmer's protective barriers around his house. Wong is the first to discover the cat, who slowly transforms into Morgan. They face off for a magickal battle, with energy bolts flying, but Wong is no match for her and goes down. Morgan proceeds to Lindmer's study and the battle is renewed, with her power too much for the old man, as well. Finding that his guards are still in place, she calls upon the demon Asmodeus to transport him to her realm, where she can destroy him at her leisure.

Strange's date quickly goes south when Clea sees Morgan in her mirror and slips into an unconscious relapse. Morgan promises to leave Clea alone if Strange will come with her. In her cozy corner of Hell, Morgan tempts Stephen with all the powers he could have; gold, sex, lightning bolts from the fingertips ... the usual. All he has to do is take off his Ring of Power (a ring Stephen's father gave him with an Ancient Symbol - seems Dad and Lindmer knew each other and Stephen has been watched over his whole life until the time was right - shades of Harry Potter). To boast of her triumph, she even takes Stephen to see Lindmer - blank-eyed and tangled in a mess of gnarled limbs. Demanding he choose and join her, he finally (FINALLY!) gets a clue and snaps out of his reverie, shouts "NO!" and joins her in battle. Lindmer was correct - the boy IS a natural and defeats Morgan.

Stephen astrally brings Lindmer back to his house, and finally agrees to take on the role he was destined for. He does ask one last question, "What will I be called upon to do?" Lindmer's response: "Become more than a man. And renounce such Earthly pleasures as are given to men who are only mortal: the pleasure of ignorance, or offspring, or an easy death." Strange: Will I be asked to give up even love?"
Lindmer: "The universe is love. That you shall have."

And what, you ask, about Morgan? Well, true to his word, Ol' Scratch has sent her on a one-way ticket to Crone-ville, where she screams her lungs out in impotent fury until Beelzebub's Bovines come home ... or does she? Why, what's this? In the coda to the film, Strange is late to the hospital meeting (again), has a date with Clea (again), but this time as they pass an electronics store, all the TV's are focused on a reporter interviewing the newest self-help guru, the author of the "LeFay Method", Morgan herself. Can you say setting up for the eventual series?

Clea has no memory of Morgan or what happened, and Stephen sees her home. Walking through Central Park, he comes upon a street magician (Larry Anderson) and messes with him, turning his bouquet of flowers into a dove, surprising both the magician and the audience! With a knowing smile, Stephen faces the future, we freeze-frame to the credits, and in his last bit of magick, disappears into obscurity.

DR. STRANGE certainly had the potential to continue as a series. Peter Hooten looked the part (aside from the unfortunate choice of curly hair and porn 'stache (see above) which was the fashion of the time) and did a good job selling some pretty unbelievable scenarios. All of the other actors perform admirably, with John Mills particularly outstanding as Lindmer. The special effects choices were ingenious for what they accomplished on a TV-budget (TV Guide at the time ran a two-page spread on the sets, costumes and effects), and a special mention should be made to composer Paul Chihara, whose score for this TVM went above and beyond the call of duty, especially for the rockin' fuzz guitar theme for Morgan. In a Six Degrees of Conjure Cinema bit of synchronicity, in this same year (1978), he would also compose the music for the TV miniseries THE DARK SECRET OF HARVEST HOME, one of our future shows and the topic of a blog entry to come.

Finally, let me leave you with one last question: when is a DR. STRANGE movie NOT a DR. STRANGE movie? Answer - when you try to get the rights to make one, are turned down by Marvel because your price was too low, and you go ahead and make one anyway, in all but name. It happened in 1992 and was released as DOCTOR MORDRID - and that's a story I'll tell you all about another time.

DR. STRANGE had a VHS release, but as of this date there is no official DVD release. If you know black magic (or the grey market), I'm sure you could conjure up a copy from the lesser demons eBay or ioffer.com - but on your own head be it!

Next Time: Will we be talking about THE LUCK OF THE IRISH or THE VIKING QUEEN? Begorra, me lads, we'll be talking about both! Join me and see why!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1967) (shown January, 1993)



We began the New Year with an entry from Hammer Films, 1967's SLAVE GIRLS (or PREHISTORIC WOMEN, as it was known in America). This is not to be confused with the 1950 Cinecolor cavewoman epic of the same name, nor should it be mistaken for the 1966 WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET, which was re-cut as a sequel (in name only) in 1968 as VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN. Confused yet? Believe me, it only helps for this muddled mess.

Establishing African veldt footage (leaping gazelles, a pack of lions enjoying their McZebra Happy Meal, etc.) quickly gives way to a studio-bound African set and Great White Hunter David Marchand (Michael Latimer). He has to enter a forbidden area of the jungle, after the British Colonel he is acting as guide to shoots early and wounds a leopard. Ignoring the warning of his First Boy and porters, David treks on and puts the leopard out of it's misery. He is instantly surrounded by the fearsome tribe of the country, who tell him he is to be put to death for his sacrilege in killing a protected creature in the Land of the White Rhino.

By the way, if you love rhinos (white or otherwise), this is your movie! There's a White Rhino Mountain, two fake white rhinos, blondes and brunettes who worship and dance for white rhinos, fierce African natives known as "The Devils of Darkness" who wear rhino masks ... the whole movie is rhino-rific! If you don't like rhinos, you, my friend, are on the (rhino) horns of a dilemma with this time-killer.

David is frogmarched to the Cave of the White Rhino where he is told of his death sentence, learning that the evil whites were responsible for hunting the White Rhinos to extinction. The legend goes that when the tribe was about to kill the whites for their crime, they convinced the natives they would give them an even better God and created a (pretty convincing, actually) White Rhino statue. For buying into this scam, the natives were cursed and every white man must be killed until the re-appearance of the White Rhino or the destruction of the statue. About to be speared to death, David reaches out and touches the horn of the false God, which instantly freezes everyone in place and opens the back wall of the cave, transporting him to Prehistoric Times with lots (and lots) of ... you guessed it, Prehistoric Women!

The first one he meets is the tiny blonde Saria (Edina Ronay), who is trying to escape the domination of the evil (brunette) Queen Kari (Martine Beswick). Quick side note: in this film, blonde = good, brunette = bad. OK? Good. Continuing ... Saria gets re-caught by Kari's guards, who bag the stranger, as well, and they are brought before the Queen. Saria is led off to be punished, while Queen Kari likes the looks of the handsome newcomer. Oddly enough, all the women speak perfect English, and odder still, these ladies have access to Max Factor and Maybelline in prehistoric times, as false eyelashes, eyeliner and makeup abound!

Queen Kari makes it known David will be her sex toy (in so many words; this IS 1967, after all). When he spurns her advances, she throws him in with the other men until he is willing to crawl back to her. A sorry lot, this - emasculated and enchained, they have lived too long as slaves and their spirits are broken. David makes friends with an old man, who explains that he has been a slave as long as he can remember.

A fearsome ceremony then occurs, as one of the blondes is ritually chosen as The Bride of the White Rhino and given as a sacrifice to the Devils of Darkness. This is Kari's way of keeping rebellion down and her own band safe. The Chosen One is dressed up with flowers and put on the back of the White Rhino statue, while her golden-tressed sisters pay homage and say their silent goodbyes, knowing they will never see her again. Saria knows it is only a matter of time before it's her turn and begs her sisters to rebel against Kari, saying she is sure the stranger will help. They tell her he is in prison with the other men, so she tells them her cunning plan ...

Sneaking into the prison under the cover of darkness, Saria convinces David to agree to be Kari's boy toy. He asks her if she really wants him to do that, as he is in love with her and she with him. She bites her lip and says yes, as it's the only way for the plan to succeed. David agrees and goes before Kari, who proceeds to humiliate him and take him to bed. Later, in front of the entire tribe, Kari does a seductive dance for David and demands he bring food and drink to her cave, so she can satisfy ALL her hungers. This is too much for Saria, who screams "I free you from your promise!", as she can't stand the idea of her beloved with the Evil Queen. Upon finding out the truth, Kari goes ballistic, throws David back into the men's prison, promising he'll NEVER see the light of the Sun again ... and makes instant plans for a new Bride of the White Rhino ceremony ... starring Saria.

The stage is set for the rebellion. David has his chains broken and rallies the men to attack the brunette guards, while Saria is on the verge of being sacrificed. He rushes to her aid, unmasking the Devils as ferocious jungle tree-dwelling natives (the hint of cannibalism is whiffed here, as well). Following his example, the other men and the blondes follow David's lead, taking the battle to the jungle. Kari orders everyone to be killed and, in the middle of the battle, spies the reappearance of the White Rhino, in the knobbly flesh! Kneeling before her God and averring that He would never hurt her, Kari makes her last wrong choice. She is impaled and flung aside (in a particularly unfortunate effect, as you can EASILY see this isn't a real rhino, but the self-same statue ON WHEELS being pulled at a rapid clip through the set like a kid's pull toy gone horribly awry).

With Kari dead and the Devils defeated, the blondes and the men revel in their hard-fought freedom. David promises to stay with Saria, but she tells him the other part of the legend: that when the stranger had freed them, he would go back to his own world and never be seen again. He turns away, and - ZAP! - is back touching the White Rhino horn from the beginning of the film. Everyone unfreezes, a giant crack is heard, the statue disintegrates and the curse is lifted! The tribe frees David, seeing him as their deliverer, and gleeful dancing ensues.

Upon his return to camp, the heartbroken David is pondering what he just experienced. Was it a dream? Was it real? Was it a hallucination? His First Boy tells him he was in the cave for only a moment, but upon reaching into his shirt pocket, he pulls forth the White Rhino emblem that Saria wore about her neck. Pondering this new angle to the mystery, he is called out of his tent to meet the new arrivals to camp, including the Colonel's daughter Sara ... who in one of the hoariest (dare I say Prehistoric) cliches of films of this type, is the spitting image of Saria. A new love is born and White Rhinos rejoice everywhere! :)

Sounds like fun, right? Where to begin ... well, let's be honest. The ONLY good thing that saves this stinker is Martine Beswick. Leading man Michael Latimer is a total stiff and it's a mystery as to why he was cast. Hammer had many good leading men, such as Francis Matthews, John Richardson and Robert Urquhart, who could have done this role in their sleep. At no time is Latimer convincing in the role, seeming far too callow to be an experienced hunter. Edina Ronay is equally miscast, being fine eye-candy, but at 5'4", her climactic fight against Martine looks ludicrous.

The film has a LOT of filler; dancing, dancing and MORE dancing. Natives, blondes, native blondes, blonde natives, even the fake Rhino jiggles a bit. Can't figure out where to go next in the script? Throw in another dance! Not all of it is bad - Martine's dance is one of the highlights in the film. She knew her sex appeal and how to use it. She had previously done so in TWO James Bond films (FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE and THUNDERBALL), as well as going up against Raquel Welch in Hammer's ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. in 1966 as the wickedly seductive Nupondi, who drove the cavemen wild by ... dancing. Sadly, no White Rhinos were in that production.

Martine did have this to say about the filming, "We giggled a lot on the set. It was probably the silliest film ever made." I had a chance to meet her many years ago at a FANEX film convention in Maryland and brought along a copy of the poster (pictured above) for her to sign for my friend Kate. Everyone was standing in line with THUNDERBALL and RUSSIA items, or ONE MILLION YEARS B.C photos, etc., and I finally got my turn. Unfolding the one-sheet poster, I asked her to sign it to Kate with the inscription "Happy Birthday, Kate ... and Beware the White Rhino!" She graciously did so and said, "I was wondering when THIS was going to turn up!" :)

To clear up one last mystery, WHY was this chosen for Conjure Cinema? One scene and one scene only: the MAGICAL transporting of David back to Prehistoric Times and back again at the end. The slenderest of threads to justify it's inclusion, but people bore up bravely. The film is available on DVD (sadly, NOT from Rhino Video!) through Amazon.com as part of a double feature with another Hammer opus THE WITCHES (aka THE DEVIL'S OWN), which was the second film we showed upon starting Conjure Cinema. Buy it and have your own White Rhino Dance Party!

Next Time: We dare to gaze at the unblinking Eye of Agamotto when we encounter Marvel Comics' Sorcerer Supreme in his only live-action feature, the 1978 TV-movie DR. STRANGE! Return, Fearless One, at the appointed time ... the Eye commands it!