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Just a few more days until that most dreaded day of all: the sleep-deprived, greed-crazed bargain shopping nightmare known as 'Black Friday' - the day after Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday shopping season (or as my wife and I life to call it, "Sleeping-In Day")! We made the mistake one year of getting up early to find something for our son and after experiencing the Madness at the Mall swore NEVER AGAIN to go through that! ALL of our Christmas purchases are done through online shopping - I actually start mine in October and am done early every year ... yeah, I'm 'that guy'.
The one and ONLY thing I miss about going to the malls at this time of year is seeing the kids getting (or in many cases, NOT getting) their photos taken with Santa. It's a yearly tradition, and one fraught with peril and heartache (and that's just the parents)! For the young tykes, it's their ultimate nightmare ... after being warned over and over again about being careful around strangers - plop! - they are uncerimoniously dumped on this totally unknown man's lap and pictures are being taken to record the moment! Mom and Dad chortle gleefully at the tyke's distress and the Big Man holding them gives them a candy cane for their screaming and squalling (don't even get me started about not taking candy from a stranger). The only thing worse than that would be being held by a PSYCHOTIC-LOOKING Santa ... on the back of a dead, stuffed donkey ... oh, boy ... I guess even Santa has his limits and couldn't stand that "Dominic the Donkey" song one more time!
Which leads us to our annual look at Sketchy Santas, a favorite website of mine collecting the best of the worst Santa photos from around the world! The mall photos are bad enough, but the vintage photos (as seen on the right) are the ones that really make your blood run cold! I know if I had seen this as a kid, it would have cured me PERMANENTLY of ever wanting ANYTHING to do with the Jolly Fat Man!
Gird your loins and take a look at page after page of Holiday Horrors here:
http://sketchysantas.failblog.org/
But let's be fair: the Mall Santas don't exactly have it easy, either. A good friend of mine is a Mall Santa every year and has some amazing stories to tell about his experiences. Until I can get Dave to put his tales down in print, here's the skinny from ANOTHER Mall Santa, Tom Carmody, who tells it like it is, along with the best and worst parts of the job (hint: Troubled Toddler Tummies)!
http://srhpost.blogspot.com/2010/12/hard-jobs-for-santa-claus-at-shopping.html
Just for the record, I always liked going to see Santa ... it was the Easter Bunny who gave me the jim-jams ... but that's a story for another time.
Check back tomorrow for more!
With the holidays fast approaching, folks are flocking to the stores, bringing their lists and checking them twice ... no, I'm not talking about their TOY list, I'm talking about their GROCERY list! Why? Because in addition to everything else looney about this time of year, it's all about the F O O D !!!
Let's take a moment, give Christmas a break and talk about the OTHER holiday just around the corner - the one that is SO associated with food, it is even nicknamed "Turkey Day" - yes, the tryptophanic terror known as Thanksgiving. Of course, you COULD show up at the feast with the traditional fare (turkey, stuffing, pies, etc.) ... OR you could blow the family and friends away with something unbelievable ... like a GINGERBREAD TARDIS !!! Just make sure your appetite is bigger on the inside than on the outside (or at the very least, know where the bathroom is)! Oh, yes, it's real - and if you're up to the challenge, here is how you can make your very own!
https://thehappyfoodie.co.uk/recipes/the-tardis
If you REALLY want to push your luck (or if you have someone who comes every year who eats you out of house and home), try bringing a few of THESE disgusting delectables to your soiree ...
For the discerning coffee drinker, may I recommend Weasel Coffee ... nope, not coffee MADE from weasels - even worse, "Made from
coffee beans that are regurgitated by weasels. The beans are then harvested (picked up) to make this fine flavored coffee." You know you want to try this ... here you go!
http://www.weaselcoffees.com/default.asp
What's that, you say? All of a sudden you're not thirsty? Not a problem ... let's move on to the main course. Remember, ANYONE can bring turkey to Thanksgiving dinner ... show off your cooking skills with Purple Honey Flavored Sausages ... "served piping hot!"
NO? Oh, c'mon, live a little - it's the holidays, after all! Tell you what, just dip those bad boys in a nice big tin of Red Curry Giant Water Bugs! Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'! :)
And nothing goes better to wash down this culinary catastrophe than a nice BIG bottle of King Snake Soaked Whiskey --- the folks who bottle it thoughtfully even include the snake! By the way, this is also considered an aphrodisiac, so don't drink TOO much!
Those folks who don't like the gingerbread Tardis can look forward to your OTHER desserts, like the Chocolate Covered Cockroaches, the Squid Flavored Ice Cream or (my personal favorite) Crushed Pearls in a Lollipop! And don't forget the after-dinner treat of the Musk Flavored Lifesavers!
Mouth watering yet? Well, here you go! The link to all these taste treats can be found here (with additional links on where to order them)!
http://inventorspot.com/articles/10_things_make_you_want_puke_1121
Bon appetit! More tomorrow!
Now that you've got your tree up (see our entry from yesterday), you're going to need ornaments to put on it! The ornaments a person has on their tree always says something about the person himself. In the cases that follow, I believe what they are saying is, "Avoid eye contact and slowly head back out the door!"
For example, this (rather fat) Dracula ornament is probably NOT what you would normally expect to find upon first sight, nor his companion Frankenstein (at right). But decorating a tree is all about balance - if you have one, then you have to have the other.
If that's too grim for you and you want something lighter to set the mood for your tree, then there's always ... a flamingo ... in a Christmas dress ... and boots ... whoa.
Hmmm - strange enough for you? No matter what your preference or interest, there is an ornament out to suit your tastes. Be it Cthulhu or Catwoman, somebody somewhere has you covered. Keep in mind, we're talking the truly outre' ornaments here, not the candy canes and Santa balls, etc., that have been passed down in the family for generations. Speaking of that, with my Mom's passing, we inherited a boxful of her old ornaments (most of which had to be tossed, due to broken bits, etc.) - but now have two glass poodles (or one glass poodle and 'maybe' a glass cat) for the tree. Ever wonder what happens to painted glass ornaments after 25+years in an uninsulated baking attic??? Stick around, I'll post pictures of them later this year!
Want to offend the more uptight members of your family? There's always the Caganer, or "Pooping Elf", ornaments (for more on the Caganer tradition, see my entry of December 16th, 2010) - there's also celebrity Caganers, such as those pictured here! From the Simpsons to celebrities to world political figures, there's a Caganer with dropped trou for everyone in the family!
The whole explosion of the unusual ornaments took off at warp speed with the annual Hallmark Star Trek ornaments that were the rage for awhile. Every variation of the Starship Enterprise (many with lights and sounds) then gave way to other figural ornaments, including cast members from the shows, etc. After the popularity of those caught on with the fans, other properties were soon to follow: want the Force to be with your tree? You could decorate it all Star Wars! Want Team Edward of Team Jacob to fight over your beautiful, yet demure decorations? Then the Twilight Keepsakes Collection is for you ... the list goes on and on.
And what, you ask, is the STRANGEST ornament I've uncovered this year? Hands down, it HAS to be this ... the Village People Merman Collection! I know, I know, I thought the same thing - where's the Indian Chief? Probably already snapped up for someone's home! Now I KNOW some of you MUST HAVE these for your own home, so I won't leave you hanging ... the company who makes them is called December Diamonds and here's their link!
http://www.citylightscollectibles.com/brands/december-diamonds.html?gclid=COK8pLiinckCFdgUgQod6qQEKw
For those of you who prefer the more tradition ornaments and want to read more about them (along with a brief history), may I direct you here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_ornaments
As you might expect, our tree is a hodgepodge of ornaments - from traditional family glass baubles to handmade ornaments from friends - from the USS Constitution to Betty Boop and from chupacabras to colored glass, there's a little something for everyone on it. Here is a side view of our tree from last year - click on the picture for a larger look. The white snowman with the picture in his belly was a handmade one when my son was in daycare and the red 'Walt' ornament to the right of that is actually NOT mine - it belonged to my father and is from the late 1940s - early 1950s - probably the oldest ornament we have. There are also wooden ones and hand-crafted knitted ones - and they all tell a story.
So get out there and get some odd ornaments of your own - and let YOUR stories begin!
Back tomorrow!
Welcome back, one and all! Today we tackle a question that rears its ugly head every year around the holidays ... the eternal battle of "real or artificial" Christmas trees? There are adamant camps on both sides, each with their ... own ... poin ... hey, do you feel like someone's ... STARING AT YOU??? AAAH! Christmas Ninja!!!!! :)
Just read quietly - maybe it won't attack. As I started to say, this is a battle I lost LONG ago in our house, with the Powers That Be demanding that we have a REAL tree every year! Well, I think this is a perfect time to state MY case for why we should have an ARTIFICIAL tree - perhaps THESE "beautiful" examples will change a Certain Someone's Mind!
If you have someone in your household that is a soda fiend (as we do), then you can let the WHOLE WORLD know of your addiction, loud and proud, with the Mountain Dew tree (seen at right)! Thoughtfully already made in holiday green cans and bottles, it's JUST the thing you want blazing away from the picture window in your living room ... something to tell your neighbors, "hey, CLASSY folks live here!"
Not high-falutin' enough for ya? Wouldn't be caught dead with something that lame in your house? No problem! For a REAL man like you, there's always the Beer Bottle Tree (four stellar examples are shown here)! And the best part? You can recycle your tree after the holidays and get money back from the empties!
There's more ... much more! If you've got Balls of Steel (TM) and want to spend the holidays in the slammer, look no further than the Merry Marijuana Tree ... there's also the Pac-Man Tree, the All-LED Lights Tree, the Human Christmas Trees (two varieties!) and for the newest present in your family, the Christmas Tree Onesie!
But NOTHING tops my Personal Favorite from this list ... the DALEK Christmas Tree !!! As a DOCTOR WHO fan of long-standing, this tree is almost de rigueur for our house! To see all of these trees and MORE (including videos!), just click on the link below!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/20/funniest-alternative-christmas-trees_n_798915.html
So let's recap - good for the environment ... umm ... tasteful ... errr ... extremely classy and a way to make a statement to the neighb ... hmmm ... I think this is another year we're getting a REAL tree!
Coming Tomorrow! Well, after all this talk of Christmas Trees, you gotta have something to decorate them with! Get ready for this year's edition of Ominous Ornaments!
What would the K.A.C. be without our annual parade of hoary old forgotten Christmas films? If you were with us last year, you remember the countdown we did of the '13 Strangest Christmas Shorts' --- well, as you probably guessed, there are WAY more than 13 and we've uncovered some new jaw-droppers for you this year!
Let's kick off the festivities with a Castle Films rarity entitled CHRISTMAS TOYSHOP - a very strange conglomeration of live action and animation, as well as such stereotypes as the bumbling clod of a father and the perfect June Cleaver mother ... and a perfectly CREEPY Santa!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puvZ_dYnBgY
We'll continue the Castle Christmas Collection with another seldom-seen masterpiece from 1950 - it's short, sweet and to the point and it's called Merry Christmas (winner of our most ORIGINAL title so far)!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5ZgYQKwmxM&feature=related
Finally, as a public service this season (especially for those of you with young children), here is something you're going to find quite useful ... sooner or later, a little tyke is going to look at you in your grown-up wisdom and ask that time-old question: just how DOES Santa Claus deliver all those toys around the world to good little boys and girls in a single night? Flying reindeer? One sack for all those toys? Knowing when you're sleeping and when you're awake (all right, that last one IS admittedly rather skeevy)? Thanks to the Research Council of Norway, the answer is right here - in The Physics of Santa Claus!
http://www.physorg.com/news2487.html
More tomorrow!
Good morning and welcome back! Our theme today is Christmas stockings. Ever wonder where this particular tradition started? Well, while there's no definite answer, here are two versions that I like (via Wikipedia) - the first is the more traditional: "Very long ago, there lived a poor man and his three very beautiful daughters. He had no money to get his daughters married, and he was worried what would happen to them after his death.
Saint Nicholas was passing through when he heard the villagers talking about the girls. St. Nicholas wanted to help, but knew that the old man wouldn't accept charity. He decided to help in secret. He waited until it was night and crept through the chimney. He had three bags of gold coins with him, one for each girl. As he was looking for a place to keep those three bags, he noticed stockings of the three girls that were hung over the mantelpiece for drying. He put one bag in each stocking and off he went. When the girls and their father woke up the next morning, they found the bags of gold coins and were of course, overjoyed. The girls were able to get married and live happily ever after. This led to the custom of children hanging stockings or putting out shoes, eagerly awaiting gifts from Saint Nicholas. Sometimes the story is told with gold balls instead of bags of gold. That is why three gold balls, sometimes represented as oranges, are one of the symbols for St. Nicholas. And so St. Nicholas is a gift-giver."
The second variation of this is my personal favorite, so let's give that a whirl, shall we? "The Christmas stocking custom is derived from the Germanic figure Odin. According to Phyllis Siefker, children would place their boots, filled with carrots, straw, or sugar, near the chimney for Odin's flying horse, Sleipnir, to eat. Odin would reward those children for their kindness by replacing Sleipnir's food with gifts or candy."
This practice, she claims, survived in Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands after the adoption of Christianity and became associated with Saint Nicholas as a result of the process of Christianization.
In addition to chestnuts roasting on an open fire at this time of year, we also have traditional stories that are shared every year ... the most famous of the "Funniest Christmas Story Ever Told" award involves Christmas stockings - it is a (supposedly) true story that was sent in as part of a contest to the Lousiville Sentinel newspaper in 1999. It's gone around a number of times under different names, but I've always been partial to "Christmas With Louise" --- true or not, it's a fine piece of holiday humor!
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" " Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
**********************************************************
More tomorrow!
Well, it looks like SOMEBODY'S happy! :) Good evening, boys and girls, and WELCOME to the 2011 edition of the Kitschmas Advent Calendar (or the K.A.C., as it is fondly known ...) - if you're a long-time reader, you know the drill - if you're new to this, our obligatory introduction is in order.
The K.A.C. started a few years ago as a computer wallpaper contest between myself and my work-study students, as to who could find the absolute oddest holiday-themed wallpaper. There were some doozies, with my favorite being the "Gary Coleman and Mr. T Christmas"!
As most of my original students had graduated and gone on to better things, I would hear back from them about the contest, and we would continue to email new oddities as we found them. So in 2008 I decided to expand it from just wallpaper to daily links to odd stories, photos, traditions, etc. - and opened it up to some of my other friends to share in the goofiness. The starting date coincided with the day that a local radio station started playing Christmas and Holiday Music around the clock 24/7 (which, for four years running now, began on Veteran's Day!) ... from Santa's Grotty Grotto to the simultaneous Best AND Worst Holiday Wallpaper of 2008 (of presents opening children for Christmas!), it (hopefully) lessened the stress of the season and gave everyone a good laugh.
In 2009 the K.A.C. went from local to global, jumping on the Internet Superhighway via my Conjure Cinema blog (which you're reading now ... if you want to see the past two years' worth of madness, check out my 2009 and 2010 blog entries). If you’re reading this today, you know what that means … yep, the 24-hour, round-the-clock, non-stop Holiday Music has reared it’s Tinsel-ly Head once more, at not ONE, but TWO Boston stations, WROR 105.7FM and WODS 103.3FM. Did I mention I play it round-the-clock in my office, as well?
So without further ado, let’s open the first door on our countdown to Christmas and what to our wondering eyes should appear but …
This year's edition of Creepy Christmas Cards! Believe me, this is FAR from the worst ... especially when you consider the Clown card, the Star Wars card and that most heinous card of all ... the Bad Sweater Christmas card! Take a deep breath and click on the link ...
https://www.zazzle.com/creepy+christmas+cards
So check back every day from now until December 25th as I count down the days with my own brand of Mirthful Madness --- as usual, we'll have our perennial favorites - from Ominous Ornaments to Confused Christmas Cinema, from Bizarre Holiday Traditions to Santa Scams and MORE - including the 2011 Image of the Year ... will it top last year's "joyful joy" entry (see November 29, 2010, in case you forgot)? Only one way to find out! Check back tomorrow for our NEXT entry! Last but not least, remember this is YOUR K.A.C. as well, so if you stumble across something to share, send it along!
